Dysfunctional yet Charming
18Jun/116

I rant, therefore I am

I've been wanting to blog for the last couple of days, but I haven't been able to go from my last post to some trivial post about less serious topics like shopping and makeup. My days are still influenced by the MRI results, and even though I haven't experienced anymore anxiety attacks I'm still feeling down.. in a way. I find it hard to explain. It's frustrating that I cannot get the hold of my neurologist until after I'm back from Paris, but I spoke with my GP who assured me it would be safe to go on holiday and told me to "live life and have fun". I like my GP, I feel like I can trust him. I also feel like hugging him for actually listening to me, and taking my worries seriously. So I'll go to Paris in less than three weeks, I'll bring my medication (consisting of blood-thinners, allergy pills (calming effect) and beta blocker (in case my heart decides to run wild again)) and just be annoyed that I actually have to eat pills on an everyday basis - I hate medication - but most importantly I'll have a good time, and enjoy Paris with Øyvind to the fullest.

I'm not so sure I'll live to see flying cars anymore, or more realistically live to become an old wrinkly grandma figure, mostly because a certain fiendish doctor had me convinced for a while that I'm already standing with one foot in the grave. I think I've managed to dig myself out of that hole, and I certainly don't have St. Olavs Hospital to thank for that. Now it's time to look forward instead of backwards, think positive and I'll deal with the rest when I come home from vacation.

14Jun/1113

The MRI results are in..

I was supposed to do another update on my health yesterday, but everything fell to pieces before I even had the chance to start typing. On Thursday I received the results from the MRI I had on May 18th, and I started reading about it on Wikipedia to understand more. It really didn't take long before I was so scared I decided to just close the browser and find something else to do instead. A few hours later I had what I believe was an anxiety attack. I say 'believe', because I honestly don't know how to tell whether it's anxiety or something completely different. I had just finished my dinner when I started feeling sick. My hands grew cold, I was sweating in my palms, my heart was pounding and the heart rate increased with about 20-30 beats per minutes. I was feeling stressed out, generally ill and this strange uneasy feeling was just flushing through me in waves. I have no idea how to explain it. Luckily I had no problems breathing, and I wasn't really feeling dizzy - maybe just a little bit, and it peaked quite quickly. I had to sit in the fresh air from the open porch door for a while, and then I decided to take an Atarax to see if it would do me any good. About 30 minutes later it kicked in, and everything went back to normal.. or I kept feeling uneasy the rest of the evening, and I almost didn't sleep, but today's been OK.

You might wonder what my results said? Traces of an infarction or blood clot in the right part of my cerebellum. It might seem like I'm a very lucky woman girl. I don't have any more details as of now because my neurologist on temporary leave, but I'll do another update as soon as I know more. In the meantime I'm on medication, feeling sorry for myself, trying to think about something completely different.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Isn't that the way the saying goes?

22May/116

MRI, piercings and Captain Jack Sparrow

I can't believe it's been 12 days since my last blog post, I'm ashamed. I haven't been up to anything special, but it's been a wonderful two weeks indeed. Last week I was unfortunately suffering from an excruciating headache for several days, and so I've been feeling both dizzy and nauseous again. Frustrating, but somehow I think I'm beginning to get used to it.. How sad isn't that?

I've back at the hospital for the MRI since the last time I wrote anything, but I don't have any results to share as of yet. Maybe in a couple of weeks. Having the MRI was an unusual experience. It was interesting, loud and noisy, fun and a bit claustrophobic. Not that I'm claustrophobic, but I do understand how some people freak out while inside the machine. The radiologist was very nice, and I had no problem staying still for the duration of the examination. In a way I'm hoping that the results will confirm a stroke, since that would explain why I suddenly got sick last fall - but on the other hand I think knowing that I actually had a stroke at 31 would be terrifying. No need to worry yet, I'll have to hear what the neurologist has to say first.

Apart from that I've been very effective lately. Since I had to remove my piercings before the MRI, I decided to take the opportunity to have the jewelery in my two most recent piercings changed and fitted. I was a little worried since my tragus seemed pretty unhealed still, but it turned out just fine. Now I'm wearing a standard 16g 8mm labret in my tragus, and a 14g 6mm labret in my lobe. The plan is still to exchange the labret for a tiny little ring, but I'll leave it alone until it's fully healed now that I'm wearing the correct size of jewelery. The following day, Thursday, I went back to the hairdresser. It feels like I was just there, but when I checked my calendar it turns out it's been almost three months already! I kept to the same style as last time, with undercuts and all, but this time I wanted it even shorter. I'm absolutely loving it, and I plan on keeping it like this for a while with minor tweaks only.

We even tried to attend the premiere of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" in 3D, but apparently someone didn't want us to watch it and we had to go home without having taken part in the latest escapades of Captain Jack Sparrow. Sadface! After waiting for good news for about 30 minutes we were all told they were unable to start the movie, so they issued two free tickets for everyone present. Quite neat actually. We went back the next day and watched the movie successfully. I'm not sure whether or not I like this 3D business, I need time to adjust my eyes to the weirdness, but I liked the movie. I did miss William Turner and Elizabeth Swann though, but the mermaids were awesome. Somewhere in between everything I've mentioned above was Constitution Day, which we spent pretty much the same way as last year.

Did I say that nothing much has happened? Seems like I've been up to quite a lot!

2Apr/114

Yet another medical update

I guess it's time for another medical update, and this time I'm smiling while typing this post. A little more than a week ago I went back to my doctor to have another EKG of my heart to see if I could have something help calm my heart down a little. Since my heart rhythm was fine, I got a prescription of some mild ß-blockers. I'm no fan of medication, and the list of side effects looked pretty scary to me, but I decided it would be nice to have a backup solution in those cases where my heart beat exceeds 130 beats per minute. And apparently the ß-blockers helped me immensely, just by sitting in a drawer! No, but seriously.. I never got the chance to try them out, and don't misunderstand me, I'm grateful for every day I have with a normal heart beat.

So the last week or so I've felt pretty much like I used to before I started experiencing my own private little hell back in the end of October. I'm still scheduled for an MRI in the middle av May to find out more about the scarring, and I'm waiting for an appointment for another ultra sound of my heart. I occasionally still feel a little dizzy and nauseous, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I also still have a few minor struggles, but it's nothing I won't be able to work through. Funny.. just when I was about to give up on the hope of ever feeling like myself again, something happened and I'm suddenly able to see a light at the end of the tunnel I thought would never end.

For the first time in many months, life feels good!

11Mar/118

Cerebellum? Scarring?

It's been a while since the last time I wrote anything about my health, but it's been pretty much the same. Some days it's better, some days it's worse, but all-in-all it's at least better than it was when it was really bad. I don't think I shared, but I had a CT scan back in January. The CT scan was originally supposed to be an MRI, but someone along the way decided to change it into a CT scan instead. I wanted to have my head checked because I felt like it needed to be done, but in the hospital I was told that it was way too expensive to do without a suspicion of anything serious. Thankfully my doctor is one of the good doctors, he listened to me and ordered an MRI anyway (the one that turned into a CT scan). So, in late February I got a phone call from my doctor telling me that they had found some scarring on my cerebellum - they couldn't tell what might have caused it, or when it had happened - so he wanted to send me to a neurologist for more exams. In the meanwhile he wanted me to stop taking contraceptives immediately, and start on mild blood thinners to be on the safe side.

Today I went to see the neurologist, and man.. what a feeling. I finally felt like I was being heard when saying that there's something wrong with me! I think that alone is enough to make me feel a little better. I refuse to accept that this is all due to my low lung capacity, like they're trying to convince me of in the hospital. He was really nice, he listened and explained everything thoroughly. Apparently the scarring may very well be caused by a stroke, and I will now be examined as if that's the case. Once again I was nearly emptied for blood - OK, exaggerating a wee bit maybe - and now I'm waiting for an appointment for an MRI, for real this time, and of course the test results. Oddly enough I don't feel scared. If anything I feel relieved.. relieved to be heard, knowing that I'm not being hysterical, and the new hope of this being something that will eventually get better.

Stop ACTA